My heart writes
During my last healing process, I pulled a sharp, gray stone out of my heart. A gushing fountain of sadness sprang from where the stone was.
The sadness flowed through my whole body. Again and again anger intervened and wanted to put up a shield so that I would be less vulnerable. But I was already going through a healing sadness like I hadn't experienced before and just spat out the anger.
The sadness is so gentle and healing. So loving. Her tenderness fascinates me. Her power overwhelms me. Anger intervened again. I
spat.
I allowed myself to admit my
vulnerability. To show myself with everything I wanted to hide... my mistakes and shadows.
The sharp stone blocked the connection in me. The old decision was that I wasn't doing enough. If I don't do enough, I'll be excluded. Then I'm alone. Then I die.
Achievements in the areas of school, study, work and household. To be a good friend, a good daughter, a good partner, a good person, a good girl. Perfect. Flawless. Recently added: a good Possibility Manager.
My box clings to dividing the world into good and bad.
The reviews separate me.
The sadness kept washing me, hugging me and cleaning the wound where the sharp stone was.
I was just there. Neither good nor bad. Just there. Trusting my body and my feelings.
My body was so soft, my breath flows warm in and out. I get the impression to dissolve. I melt. I felt that I am one with the earth.
I buried the rock in the garden and said out loud, "Thank you for protecting me all these years. I'm a woman now. I am vulnerable and connected. I allow myself to be.”
My intellect immediately intervened and said, 'And now? Where are you going? What you wanna do?"
I just let my intellect think and felt the fear and adventure behind the questions.
I am part of this partriarchy and I just pulled a sharp stone out of my heart that blocked my love, patience and connection with me and the world.
I took my anger back.
I don't want to go back. I don't want to be an inauthentic good girl anymore. I want to make mistakes!!! I want to be me!!!
In front of me is a bouquet of lavender as I write this. Bees fly from flower to flower collecting nectar for their tribe. Everyone works at their own pace. They follow their destiny without thinking. I feel inspired.
Love, Isabel
